My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
Randomize
