I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Randomize
