Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
