So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
