I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
Last day of classes. 1st day attending every class. I'm proud of myself
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
