Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
