I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Randomize
