Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
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