I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
