I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
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