Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
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