You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
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