Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Randomize
