The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
Randomize
