so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
areolas are like halos for boobs.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
i believe in u and ur pee
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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