I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
