I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
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