Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
Randomize
