fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
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she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
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Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Help. Why am I so naked?
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