apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Randomize
