He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Randomize
