im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize
