During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
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