Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
