Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
