I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Randomize
