The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
You ever have a fart follow you around?
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