Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
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