god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
