I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
Rumble strips road head = magical
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
