I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
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