My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Randomize
