Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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