you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Randomize
