my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
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