i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
my being single is dangerous.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Randomize
