Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
I could make wine with my vomit
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Randomize
