It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
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You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
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I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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