I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
Randomize
