I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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