Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
I'm sobbing to NWA
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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