THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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