Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
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