I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
