watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
