I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
