guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
