his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
Randomize
