why im i the only drunk person in the library?
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
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