I'm at the bar with Ashley what should I do?
humiliate her
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
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