o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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