Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
