Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
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