Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
I'm too high and old for this...
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Randomize
